Sigh.

There's a lot going on just now. The community radio station here, of which I am a co-founder, has been engulfed in an internal struggle. Over the last two days, two, and perhaps three, board members have resigned. It's a long story. Suffice it to say that I spent 4 hours or so yesterday writing emails. My entire morning today, starting at 6am, and going past 12:30pm, was spent doing much the same. At the moment, I am tired, cranky, dispirited, depressed, and very, very angry.

I had intended to examine the statistic released today that 1 in 15 Americans now lives in extreme poverty, the "poorest of the poor". 1 in 15. Look around you. Count. I had expected that I would contrast that information with the statistics also released today regarding American Companies which were making huge profits while paying no taxes - for as many as 10 years. In a row. And if you look at the last three years, of the 280 most profitable US companies, 30 paid "less than zero" in taxes. 

In today's mail, I got a disturbing looking envelope. Collection agency type stuff.  See, in trying to get enough money to pay my rent and eat on the 28 to 30 hours of work per week I am getting, I am discontinuing my health insurance and going off all of my medications. On October the 24th, I had my last appointment with my prescribing therapist/doctor. Before my appointment began, the  office manager pulled me aside for a moment. It had been awhile since I last made a payment to my bill. It was now $668.00. I was shocked. I had never received a bill for more than $10 to $20 dollars. The office manager looked at the paperwork and said that the insurance company had turned the amount over as I hadn't reached my $1,000 dollar deductible. After that, I almost broke down in my appointment because of the bill. It was, needless to say, a distraction while I discussed tapering down the meds without having to buy more. The collection agency looking stuff I got in the mail today was indeed a collection agency bill to collect the $668.00 The doctor's home office had sent the bill to collection the day after I told the therapist that I couldn't afford to continue any longer.



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And then tonight on the news, was this horrible footage of a father whipping his daughter, who suffers from cerebral palsy. The longest clip was on CNN. It ran about 40 seconds. The entire beating (caught on tape) lasted over 7 minutes. I started shuddering and twitching. I used to be beaten like that. As it turns out, the girls' father is a family court judge and didn't think he had done anything wrong. The news stories are also full these days with stories of bullying. They haven't seen the connection yet. It's all behaviour intended to break the spirit, to establish dominance, to express frustration. All I will say at this point is that I still have problems from those beatings. The scars they leave are very deep. I've been on the verge of tears since I saw the footage. All I want to do is hide in a darkened room. Like I did when I was a kid. Like I still do today.

I am once again approaching a breaking point.

I'm really not sure that I have what it takes to get thru all of this one more time.

When does it all go away? I'm 61 now. I'm tired of fighting myself.