Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Center Square

I can't quite remember where I first saw Paul Lynde. I -think- it was in the role of Ann Margaret's father in the Bye Bye Birdie movie (a role he had originated on Broadway). He was Uncle Arthur on Bewitched. And then he became the center square on the Hollywood Squares game show. His snarky persona was as famous as his quips, which were unbelievably outrageous for their time. He was, by many accounts, an unhappy person. Today is his birthday, and I just wanted to take a moment to remember a man who made (and still makes) me laugh.

A few of his more famous lines from the center sqaure:

Q: In the movies, Frankenstein's monster was always big and ugly. And he had lots of scars. What was his biggest fear?
A: That the girls would be turned off by his big nuts.

Q: According to the old song, "At night, when you're asleep, into your tent I'll creep." Who am I?
A: The scoutmaster.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
A: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.

Q: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
A: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Q: Is Billy Graham considered a good dresser?
A: No, but he's a terrific end table.

Q: Is using an electric vibrating machine a good way to lose weight?
A: That's what I told the saleslady, but she just winked.

Q: When is it a good idea to put your pantyhose in the microwave oven for two minutes?
A: When your house is surrounded by the police.

Q:  If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
A:  You mean he doesn't have the right part?

Q: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?
A: I'd call him "darling"!

Q: Oh, Paul, what would we ever do without you?
A:  Replace me with Charles Nelson Reilly!

Q:  Paul, according to the World Book Encylopedia, what is the main reason dogs pant?
A:  Because they can’t talk dirty!

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Make him bark.

Q: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?
A: Oh, a cigarette.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Tape measures.

Q: Paul, in ancient Rome, bakers were required by law to bake something into each loaf of bread. What?
A: A Christian.

Q: What is a pullet?
A: A little show of affection.

Q: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
A: Just enough to turn her on.

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. 

Happy Birthday, Mr. Lynde.
And Thanks for all the laughs.


Judy said...

Snarky is the perfect word for Paul Lynde! Love him! And he will always be the CENTER SQUARE!! Thanks for the reminder of someone who made me laugh so much for so long!

Austan said...

I still miss Paul Lynde. Nobody could get away with shots and one-liners like him. And all with a look on his face like there was a bad smell. They don't make em like that anymore.